fear

Jack had a gargantuan meltdown yesterday. The plan had been to go to the school fundraiser at Chuck E Cheese's... we was going to meet his new friend Kevin there. But as it turned out him mom took Kevin there early and had left before Lisa took Jack.

When Jack found out, he melted down big time, growing somewhat verbally abusive to Lisa, so she turned the car around and headed home. The meltdown continued for some time there. I was taking Kyle to SB water polo practice, so I was spared much of it, though I heard some over the phone when she called me.

His intensity can be, well, frightening. I've been told the same. His mood swings are pretty wild when they happen. I'm on, well, Wellbutrin. I feel like Tony Soprano, wondering what fucked up emotional legacy I've left for my kid.

Lisa and I have discussed therapy for Jack in the past... but the incidents seem to blow over and it no longer seems to be an issue.

But this is different. Lisa knows that while Jack will meltdown in my presence, his demeanor is much less abusive. She's got a little fear now, of what he could do not only to himself but also to her.

We have physicals scheduled for both boys in April during spring break (Kyle wants to talk to the doc about his clicking--formerly broken--wrist, and now we want to talk to him about Jack).

I asked Lisa if she wanted to expedite the visit, and she said no.

She recorded some of the outburst, one of a dialogue with Lisa, the other with his ongoing monologue as he tried to cope by himself upstairs.

The monologue was melodramatic and almost paranoid, with some pretty wild ramblings:

Nobody wants to talk to me
Everyone knows that everyone knows that everyone hates me... every single person in the whole world thinks that except for Ma
Did I mention that all of my names are laughed at? Jackson. Michael Jackson. Minoru. Midodo. Walthall. Waffle.
Everyone agrees with me that I'm stupid... even the teachers think that I'm weird... Nobody likes me.
They're going to send me to an orphanage and my life will be ruined... I won't have a true family
I had detention from recess all because of someone trying to get me in trouble
No one loves me because I'm weird
[after Lisa rejoined him]
I'm still talking to myself
I'm a weird kid. I should hang out with all the geeks, not with Thomas, not with all the cool people
It annoys me when they call me different names.
Sometimes I get so angry that I can't control my anger
It comes out of my body and it's so hard to control

So hard, indeed. He comes by it honestly. But is it natural?

File this one under "fear and (self-)loathing"...