birthdays

are milestones
that with which we measure the passage of time
yesterday would have been ma's 76th birthday

the five of us went down to the harbor
with flowers
and thoughts
is that our buoy? pa asked
it might have been

a gull flew along the shore
into the wind
buffetting up and down, wings out
moving fast but going nowhere
until the effort was too much and it turned
and with a single flap
sped inland

our mums for mom
had problems going to sea
hugging the shore
lisa and the boys left messages for ma in the sand
with the wind and the high tide i'm sure they're gone now

birthdays are signposts
marking time
can't believe it's been almost two years, pa said
i can believe it
feels like forever
but only when thinking of ma

when thinking of the boys
time has flown
like the gull away from shore
for ma
like the gull into the wind

the pain is less
no tears, a little choke
big tightness in my chest
tightness around
the nothing

the pain is less
but the emptiness is still here
no amount of sushi after could fill it
no amount of green tea could warm it

i'm not depressed
i'm not that sad
just empty
but not all the time
just in moments

measured by
birthdays